Although I seem to be the kind of person who avoids intimacy with men, I will be a hypocrite to say that I don’t think about being in love.
Because the truth is, I think about being in love – staying in it – more than I’m supposed to.
As I see my friends already in year long relationships and see them get married to the same person who they picked for themselves, I imagine myself sharing the same happiness with certain someone.
I’m someone who still hopes her first love to be her last. But that’s not always going to happen – because the men I’ve chosen to pick ounce of feelings for, were never the ones to feel an iota of emotions for me.
I was someone’s good friend – best friend, the one they can count on for support, and I was always there. I’m glad I was. And I will be. But I was never more than a friend to anyone.
I often would go to bed and lie down, only to find myself having a mess of watery eyes. I would think about the love that didn’t happen and why wouldn’t it.
I would think to myself if something was wrong with me. Despite exhibiting warmth and affection and expressing my care and concern in implied ways, that certain person wouldn’t get it.
I once tried to express my love but all I heard was cuss words.
I once felt in love, unrequited as it was, it did lit the spark in my life but it couldn’t be what I wanted it to be.
Then, I let love pick me up, and unfortunately, my instincts seemed to sense that it will be lead my heart to break like shards of glass. My mind balked at taking its measure.
I could sense that these series of emotions that brewed inside me at a gap of many years in between made me realize a few things about myself. Six years ago, I chose love because I was afraid to lose a friend to someone else.
Three years ago, I chose love because my receptive nature was making me idealize someone so much, that I wanted the display of qualities in them to inspire me wholly and I wanted to become just as empowering. Sure I had other better qualities, but I found myself paying no regard to them. I invalidated who I was. I was making up for the lack of confidence in me, from the words of advice someone was giving me. Whoever I was then, I was growing, learning things about myself each time, realizing the potential I had inside of me. He was just someone who fueled it and for that, I’m grateful. I do not doubt that, what I had was not Love – because it was. We lived in different time zones yet we were too individuals who can generally relate to so much happening with one another, sometimes even without frequent communications. But then, realizing the reality that a shared future wouldn’t be a part of this life was a sign for me to move ahead.
Then this year, I decided to give love a chance, because for the first time, it seemed that love itself wanted to make way into my life. So what happens when love shows up on your doorstep, you open up your arms, welcome it and make it feel home. But one has to pay attention to the signs when you are getting swept under the rug of your own house. Someone who pays you compliments so that you lower your guards. Someone who needed time. Someone who wasn’t sure what was it that they wanted. I was expected to be like a girlfriend. I was asked if years from now, I can even think about marriage. My head was filled with things any girl would’ve wanted to hear; the words were so good that I struggled to find the comfortable space between my instincts and the truth, that seemed to knock on the walls of my heart so loudly that I couldn’t turn oblivious to the the intuitive messenger that God was sending for me.
Did I choose love out of self pity? Did I choose because I thought I’m doing right by myself in accepting the love I thought I deserved? If that was so, why was it that I felt I deserved more? But what I do know was that I loved, regardless of the consequences but I couldn’t remain latched onto It, standing in the lurch, even when the man kept slipping me up. I couldn’t ignore what was best for me.
We settle for being in miserable relationships because we are sometimes afraid of change. Even our failed relationships or the ones that didn’t come to pass could teach us something about ourselves that we believed never existed in us. Too often, people don’t even try to look deep within themselves and they are quick to notice all the things about someone – whether superficial or not, and quickly fall in and out of love.
Love is a constant effort. To stay in it is like a vow you don’t explicitly say but must renew each day.
I felt stupid to give it a try, I felt pity on myself to have become someone who I didn’t think I wanted to be – the one walking out, the one disappearing even after I’d been the one at his disposal and for his tantrum, mood issues and need crisis. All my promises seemed shallow in my own head and heart.
It seemed that love didn’t pick me. It was loneliness that did. The loneliness someone was trying to fill by making me be present in their life and fill the gaps of their past, to cover that void. I wouldn’t mind being there for someone who seemed to be in need of fixing himself. Because the truth be told, we are all broken and we all need someone to be there while we try to fix ourselves, but sometimes the idea of embracing loneliness if you have someone to share it with can bring a devastation so vast.
Had it not been for a friend who I speak with occasionally, but as it turns out, I find myself in trustable situations and he apparently has listened to my guy-crisis situations everytime. It was the words of my friend that brought me much faith in the decision I had already made. I was told that I deserved more, much more, for what I am. I was asked to trust the energy because it doesn’t lie. To this day, those words stick with me.And they have helped me look forward instead of upsetting myself over someone who didn’t want me the way I yearnt o be wanted.
Digging the walls of my heart which once laid barren, devoid of any kind of intimate emotions, I felt strong emotions flooding inside. I realized that no love would ever complete me, if I don’t find myself whole and enough. So I knew it was time to put my realizations into a constant effort of bringing about change in my life.
I had love for those I had known, I would make myself love even those who sometimes seemed unworthy of it, but all the love I had inside me was never was myself. And that was exactly what I needed for myself.
I needed to disconnect from the chaotic world around me and reconnect to myself and that is when, I sought oblivion in solitude and the hours of nothingness brought me realizations, in the form of reflections in this piece of articulating my feelings. Everything that seemed to have wrought and withered inside of me was coming to bloom.
I’ve come to realize that love should always be a choice and not a necessity. And self love is the key to achieving the everlasting love in someone else.
I know now the love that I deserve.
I don’t need someone to invalidate my feelings.
I crave space, to help me grow.
I don’t need someone who would clip my wings and not help me soar.
I don’t want to be appreciated always, I want to be told about my flaws and be molded for better.
I need to know that I’m not a mess if I wear my heart on my sleeves.
I need to know that when I talk to the man I love, he is listening and he is interested to listen and not merely obligated to.
It doesn’t matter anymore if I can be someone’s first or last choice. It matters that I’m chosen for who I’m beneath the flesh and bones… for what I hold sacredly inside my bosom… all my feelings, intuitions, secrets, thoughts.
I want someone in front of whom I can shed all the sad masquerades.
I want to talk about the world, music, literature, movies, and travels. I want discussions.
I don’t crave going on dates in places where rich food can be served in abundance by obsequious waiters.
I would crave sitting under wide open sky with the blanket of stars lowered to meet us as we lay on the earth.
I want rawness and truth.
I want someone to know that love is as fragile as a crystal and its fragility is its fineness, and not a weakness. And that love must be cared for, like the fine crystal glass or it will be shattered.
And when it does, I hope that as lovers, we find the strength to muddle through this shattered mess, and make it last forever.
I want someone whose absence will bring me sweet melancholy.
I want someone sweeter than my own solitude .
I want nothing I ever imagined, but everything I ever needed.
So dear universe, send me a man, for I’m ready to be loved.