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For I’m ready to be loved

Although I seem to be the kind of person who avoids intimacy with men, I will be a hypocrite to say that I don’t think about being in love.

Because the truth is, I think about being in love – staying in it – more than I’m supposed to.

Ready to be loved

As I see my friends already in year long relationships and see them get married to the same person who they picked for themselves, I imagine myself sharing the same happiness with certain someone.

I’m someone who still hopes her first love to be her last. But that’s not always going to happen – because the men I’ve chosen to pick ounce of feelings for, were never the ones to feel an iota of emotions for me.

I was someone’s good friend – best friend, the one they can count on for support, and I was always there. I’m glad I was. And I will be. But I was never more than a friend to anyone.

I often would go to bed and lie down, only to find myself having a mess of watery eyes. I would think about the love that didn’t happen and why wouldn’t it.

I would think to myself if something was wrong with me.  Despite exhibiting warmth and affection and expressing my care and concern in implied ways, that certain person wouldn’t get it.

I once tried to express my love but all I heard was cuss words.

I once felt in love, unrequited as it was, it did lit the spark in my life but it couldn’t be what I wanted it to be.

Then, I let love pick me up, and unfortunately, my instincts seemed to sense that it will be lead my heart to break like shards of glass. My mind balked at taking its measure.

I could sense that these series of emotions that brewed inside me at a gap of many years in between made me realize a few things about myself. Six years ago, I chose love because I was afraid to lose a friend to someone else.

Three years ago, I chose love because my receptive nature was making me idealize someone so much, that I wanted the display of qualities in them to inspire me wholly and I wanted to become just as empowering. Sure I had other better qualities, but I found myself paying no regard to them. I invalidated who I was. I was making up for the lack of confidence in me, from the words of advice someone was giving me. Whoever I was then, I was growing, learning things about myself each time, realizing the potential I had inside of me. He was just someone who fueled it and for that, I’m grateful. I do not doubt that, what I had was not Love – because it was. We lived in different time zones yet we were too individuals who can generally relate to so much happening with one another, sometimes even without frequent communications. But then, realizing the reality that a shared future wouldn’t be a part of this life was a sign for me to move ahead.

Then this year, I decided to give love a chance, because for the first time, it seemed that love itself wanted to make way into my life. So what happens when love shows up on your doorstep, you open up your arms, welcome it and make it feel home. But one has to pay attention to the signs when you are getting swept under the rug of your own house. Someone who pays you compliments so that you lower your guards. Someone who needed time. Someone who wasn’t sure what was it that they wanted. I was expected to be like a girlfriend. I was asked if years from now, I can even think about marriage. My head was filled with things any girl would’ve wanted to hear; the words were so good that I struggled to find the comfortable space between my instincts and the truth, that seemed to knock on the walls of my heart so loudly that I couldn’t turn oblivious to the the intuitive messenger that God was sending for me.

Did I choose love out of self pity? Did I choose because I thought I’m doing right by myself in accepting the love I thought I deserved? If that was so, why was it that I felt I deserved more? But what I do know was that I loved, regardless of the consequences but I couldn’t remain latched onto It, standing in the lurch, even when the man kept slipping me up. I couldn’t ignore what was best for me.

We settle for being in miserable relationships because we are sometimes afraid of change. Even our failed relationships or the ones that didn’t come to pass could teach us something about ourselves that we believed never existed in us. Too often, people don’t even try to look deep within themselves and they are quick to notice all the things about someone  –  whether superficial or not, and quickly fall in and out of love.

Love is a constant effort. To stay in it is like a vow you don’t explicitly say but must renew each day.

I felt stupid to give it a try, I felt pity on myself to have become someone who I didn’t think I wanted to be – the one walking out, the one disappearing even after I’d been the one at his disposal and for his tantrum, mood issues and need crisis. All my promises seemed shallow in my own head and heart.

It seemed that love didn’t pick me. It was loneliness that did. The loneliness someone was trying to fill by making me be present in their life and fill the gaps of their past, to cover that void. I wouldn’t mind being there for someone who seemed to be in need of fixing himself. Because the truth be told, we are all broken and we all need someone to be there while we try to fix ourselves, but sometimes the idea of embracing loneliness if you have someone to share it with can bring a devastation so vast.

Had it not been for a friend who I speak with occasionally, but as it turns out, I find myself in trustable situations and he apparently has listened to my guy-crisis situations everytime. It was the words of my friend that brought me much faith in the decision I had already made. I was told that I deserved more, much more, for what I am. I was asked to trust the energy because it doesn’t lie. To this day, those words stick with me.And they have helped me look forward instead of upsetting myself over someone who didn’t want me the way I yearnt o be wanted.

Digging the walls of my heart which once laid barren, devoid of any kind of intimate emotions, I felt strong emotions flooding inside. I realized that no love would ever complete me, if I don’t find myself whole and enough. So I knew it was time to put my realizations into a constant effort of bringing about change in my life.

I had love for those I had known, I would make myself love even those who sometimes seemed unworthy of it, but all the love I had inside me was never was myself. And that was exactly what I needed for myself.

I needed to disconnect from the chaotic world around me and reconnect to myself and that is when, I sought oblivion in solitude and the hours of nothingness brought me realizations, in the form of reflections in this piece of articulating my feelings. Everything that seemed to have wrought and withered inside of me was coming to bloom.

I’ve come to realize that love should always be a choice and not a necessity. And self love is the key to achieving the everlasting love in someone else.

I know now the love that I deserve.
I don’t need someone to invalidate my feelings.
I crave space, to help me grow.
I don’t need someone who would clip my wings and not help me soar.
I don’t want to be appreciated always, I want to be told about my flaws and be molded for better.
I need to know that I’m not a mess if I wear my heart on my sleeves.
I need to know that when I talk to the man I love, he is listening and he is interested to listen and not merely obligated to.
It doesn’t matter anymore if I can be someone’s first or last choice. It matters that I’m chosen for who I’m beneath the flesh and bones… for what I hold sacredly inside my bosom… all my  feelings, intuitions, secrets, thoughts.
I want someone in front of whom I can shed all the sad masquerades.
I want to talk about the world, music, literature, movies, and travels. I want discussions.
I don’t crave going on dates in places where rich food can be served in abundance by obsequious waiters.
I would crave sitting under wide open sky with the blanket of stars lowered to meet us as we lay on the earth.
I want rawness and truth.
I want someone to know that love is as fragile as a crystal and its fragility is its fineness, and not a weakness. And that love must be cared for, like the fine crystal glass or it will be shattered.
And when it does, I  hope that as lovers, we find the strength to muddle through this shattered mess, and make it last forever.
I want someone whose absence will bring me sweet melancholy.
I want someone sweeter than my own solitude .
I want nothing I ever imagined, but everything I ever needed.

So dear universe, send me a man, for I’m ready to be loved.

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To the Man who will fall in love with me…

To the man who will fall in love with me…

Well, I don’t know who you are or where you are, but I suppose I may want you to know that I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. Sometimes, when I’m jaded, and think about love, I end up feeling that I’ll always be alone. It feels great to be called cute, pretty, sweet every now and then, and yet, ending up alone, having no one to talk to in the stillness of the night. So I lay down and think that ‘somewhere, out there, you are thinking of the love you haven’t met, yet.’

If destiny ever parks me in front of you, the one I’m meant to be with, I suppose there are things you will need to know about me. The key to deal with me is – patience and persistence.

I want you to know that it will not be easy for me to fall in love with you, because I’m insecure and terrified and every time, a chance to be loved will come along, I’m most likely to try to run away from it. I’m insecure because sometimes one can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you. If I do trust you, there will always be a fear that I will get my heart broken again. I’m terrified – because the chaos, the sadness and the things inside of me will keep me from finding a home inside someone else.

And yet, I’m choosing to think about love more often and feel vulnerable, because the fear of not opening up my heart to someone would be worse than not using it all. Will it still be any good if I decide later to use it? What I have really got to lose? The heart can only be broken for as long but it won’t be gone. Ever! No matter what the wreckage, I know I will survive and I will make it through.

So, when you fall in love with me, know that I push people away because I’m forever haunted that everyone who comes barging into your life, will leave one day. Time after time, I’d done things for other people and then I wake up and… and I’m empty, I have nothing! I feel exhaustipated.

When you fall in love with me, know that I house a lot of sadness inside of me, and sometimes, it’s not even my own. I may constantly be in a state of perpetual sadness because I feel too deeply and intensely the sadness that lurks in this world and I want to hear people. I carry the weight of their sorrows and it makes me hollow. So, when you do fall for me, you need to know that you are falling for an Empath, who is struggling between ‘being kind, compassionate enough and to be able to do things for who are needy, while she is needy herself‘ and ‘trying to be empty enough to sit at the table, accepting life’s worst horrors and everything that I cannot change.‘ I will have you listen to my rants that bothers me when I learn why people are so bad to each other, yet, to reassure your faith in humanity, I will sing you stories of hope, love, endurance, miracles, and struggles of people we won’t and will never know.

When you fall in love with me and take me on the rides… as I would sit beside you in the car, I will gaze outside the window, just looking at the surroundings and the people, and feel the sadness and helplessness penetrate and my heart aching. I will go numb and become quiet, like all the energy has been sucked out of my body. When you will fall for me and I will for you, I will like those car/bike rides in which I can hold your hand or wrap my arms around you from the back, but I would basically like for you to give up your convenient car rides and to take the auto rickshaw, rickshaw and bus rides with me. So much of my learning has come from seeing people handicapped yet crawling their way on the bus floor, or the simple joy of giving up my seat for someone or just leading someone blind to a vehicle. I want you to see the world from my eyes for once.

When you fall in love with me, I wouldn’t demand or want you to buy me gifts every week, or month. But if I ask for something little, I want you to try and give it to me, like the biggest teddy bear in the stores or a bouquet of orchid flowers or a room decorated with balloons on my birthday or savoring the tasty ice gola with me or buy me books or do something adventurous with me. But, whatever you do, don’t buy me chocolates! That’s a NO-NO! I’m more like a candy person, everything sweet and sour is what I like to savor the most.

When you fall for me, take time to know the simple pleasures that only little things can bring. Take time to know that I would like to say a hearty yes to new adventures and have you be my partner in it. I want you to know that I’ll be as ecstatic as a kid… I would chase the butterfly, swing the porch or be a tree climber. I will be happy and sad, high and low, energized and lifeless, all at the same time. Yet, I will try to find my kick, the adrenaline rush I live for. I would want to sit by a river stream and listen to the the sound of water; I will live for the rains and would want you to walk with me in the rain or share the same umbrella with you; I want you to go for cycle rides with me; I would want you to be the anchor of my soul.

When you fall in love with me, I hope all of you falls in love with all of me. You will eventually learn how I look not so good without the make up. However, I hope that your love will give me the confidence to show my bare face and that you will take time to acknowledge the beauty of my soul more than the beauty of my face, because how I am on the inside is forever, even when the my exterior starts to age, my hair turns to grey, my skin starts to sag, my body becomes wobbly and my face etched with pain. You will learn how I sip and spit out my drink if I start to laugh uncontrollably… how I chew my food… how uncomfortable I may become on the first few dates sitting right in front of you at the table, struggling to make eye contacts… you will know how I snort when I smile. You will know it all! I want you to be someone who I don’t have to hide from, in any way.

When you fall in love me with me and plan to propose me, please appoint a secret photographer who catches our moment at the best and on the wedding day, I hope that the camera catches you looking at me. My entire life, I’ve had a hard time walking into a room full of people on my own. Especially when I walk into a room and I see people of my age being with the one they love, it feels like I don’t and shouldn’t exist in that room and that I will not exist until there is someone who would look at me or touches my hand or even makes a joke at my expense, just to let everyone know… ‘I’m with him. I’m his.’ I want you to picture me in every state and seize me in that moment forever, while I’m engaged in the act of letting the moment seize me. I will have you see my beauty through the moments in life where I’m staring into space, or reading a book or simply enjoying myself. Because I will not look more beautiful than the way I look when I think that no one is watching.

When I fall in love with you, I want you to know that I’m loved by a lot of people, and it’s not the girlfriend-boyfriend kind of love, but all the other kinds of love. Like when someone told me that ‘I inspire them,’ ‘I rekindle their inner spirit,’ ‘I am kind and pure soul.’ Somehow, all of this has felt nice but I was always hesitant to accept even the most genuine of compliments. I may come across as someone modest. So while I will appreciate you appreciating me, I may still not know how to thank you enough for it.

When we fall in love and choose to start a life of our own, I want you to be a great ‘daddy’ to our kids, because I know the feeling of not knowing the love of ‘one.’ There’s no worst horror than having the person you can rely most upon in front of your eyes and yet, feel abandoned and deprived of his love. Some absences will always rue in my life. So when I tell you this, I want you to know that I don’t my kids to feel this way.

When we fall in love, I don’t want you to hurt me. If something hurts you or cuts you deep, I would want you to talk to me and let me be your healer. But never try to use me as a punching bag for your frustrations or dissatisfaction. Violence only brings devastation. Be a man, cry if you have to. Forget the words of the world, that teaches young boys that they don’t cry!  What they ought to have taught was : ‘Boys shouldn’t make others cry.’ As the saying goes : ‘Girls shouldn’t be hit, even with a flower.’

So, when you fall in love with me, you will need to know that my entire life, I mostly had guy friends and yes, they were just friends. I personally never got along too well with most girls. My guy friends and I hung out, talked, shared stories of our lives. Some were acquaintances, some were colleagues, some were friends, some were brothers but because of all this, don’t question my character and label me names. I might have been with them, but it never felt right with either of them.  I might have let a chance of potential love interests pass me by, because I was uninterested or that it wasn’t enough to hold my attention.

When you fall in love with me, know that my body is not automatically your privilege. It’s my choice. And like any girl, I would most humbly respect that before unbuttoning a girl’s shirt, you make your way all the way into her heart. I carry scars on my body, both external and internal; I have thunder thighs, I have curves. Some days, I want to look like the girl on the covers of those magazines but then I realize, they don’t look like that either. And so, I make peace with the way I look and pursue to fall in love with the girl I see in the mirror.  

When you fall in love with me, know that I’d almost fallen in love once. Had it not been for the third person, I never would have awakened to the feelings of love because for long, I had shut myself in. I thank him as I look back on the role he played and influence he had on me. Growing up in a state of negativity between adults and seeing horrendous things at tender age, there came a time when I was devastated. Not waking up to see the light of another day seemed better than waking up to the sounds abuse, curse and screams. Knowing him and sharing the similar pain (if not the same) helped me connect with him on such a strong emotional level that defied all laws of physical attractions. I don’t even know how he sounds, how he carries himself on day to day basis. His words were a gift to me and now, I choose to write my story. He brought me back from the dead. So, when you meet me and see the person that I see now, take a minute and thank this guy.

And when I fall in love with you, you will learn that I’ll appreciate your rawness, your honesty more than anything else. Your status, your looks, your wardrobe will come as a complimentary package with your personality. They might be important but they are secondary. I want to hear your every good word, every good deed, even the not – so – good ones.  Tell me what scares you, tell me what makes you come alive, tell me what has been on your wishlist and help me help you, to fulfill it. Tell me all your worst and good memories, your every heartbreak. Show me your wounds so that I can taste them. Sing to me of the stars, of nature and everything sweet and simple. And whether it’s 3 AM or 4 AM, and you’re too tired to cry or tell what’s wrong, I hope I will be the place you come to… I hope we will find home in each other and share the comfort in the moments of silence. I’m drained of not having a shoulder to cry on, so and so much that now, I can’t cry at all.

When you fall in love with me, I want you to know that I want to travel and write, find the truth and perspective in life. So do not try to tame me, cage me. I had been there in life and will find my way back to break free. But rest assured, when I’ll get tired and weary of my flight, I will come to you.

When you fall in love with me, you will know I’m weird too. Having ideas inside my head that I don’t know what to do with. Maybe, I’m caught in the world of movies too much. This includes : Visiting Ireland on St. Patrick’s Day/ Proposing to you on a Leap Year, see a White Christmas, ride on a chariot, have a Christian wedding, too. I want to volunteer at a children’s hospital, distribute weather proof coats to the homeless or write an exam for the disabled.

When you fall in love with me, you will learn that when I want to write, I struggle to find my words. So, I read and know what other writers have been writing, how they have been writing. I will check and recheck on Google some of my grammar usage and sentence forms. And even when it seems perfect piece of writing to all, I know there are flaws. When you will be mine, I will make sure to dedicate to you all my favorite quotes, my favorite stories and I will carve our love into my destiny, to express my ineffable love for you. I hope you will acknowledge the struggles I’ve made, the hard work I’d put in and blossomed into a lady of words, even though, there was a time when she couldn’t utter a word of English.

When you fall in love with me, I want you to know that I have secured decent education and I would like to work and settle in life on my own before I settle with you. The idea to share a life with someone else when I haven’t even created a life of my own seems beyond comprehension to me. If I choose to quit work and be a homemaker, respect those decisions. I’m not someone who will work her ass off and never have time for her family. But if I work, pay my bills and I’m secured, know that I’m not a threat. I want to support the family when the time comes, lessen your burdens because it is okay to entrust our responsibilities on men, but not okay to take them for granted. Also, I want you to know that I do not want you to be defined by your family or the money you have… Be someone who can create his own identity.

When you fall in love with me, know that I’ve no experience of dating or how it’s done. If I screw up, give me a chance or two. I want you to feel the comfort of being sworn to me and I want to be sworn to you. Remember, having you would be my choice, not a privilege and I hope you will feel that too. I want to find someone who doesn’t pick me up by default but treats me as his first choice.

And lastly, when you fall in love with me, you will know that I’m kind yet strong… so strong that I can be gentle, so educated that I can be humble, so fierce that I can be compassionate, so passionate that I can be rational, and so disciplined that I can be free. And a woman like me doesn’t need you. She wants you. She wants you to want her. She wants her to be your morning wish and your goodnight’s dream.

When we will be together, you will learn that there are some staunch decisions I want to make, like – be an organ donor because I want to live through someone else when I’m gone… my heart, kidney, eye, bones and anything that can be transplanted be taken away from my body and given to someone who needs them as a gift. And then if something is left of me, bury me.

From the dust I came, and to dust, I must return.

For the time I walked this Earth, I trampled upon and crushed so many creatures under my feet. So, let me turn to dust where my flesh nourish the creatures of the soil.

Buy a burial pod in my name and grow me into a tree. That way, I will give back to nature and may this same tree becomes a place where another parent would give a swing to their child. Consider this as my grave because I want you to visit me when I’m gone, but I don’t want you to mourn or suffer. When I will leave, I will leave a person shaped hole in your heart. You will miss me at every place I’d ever been in. Don’t close that hole, or all of me will be gone. Remember me and smile through those tears.

With much of me gone, if at all there are ashes left, I want you to mix those with the fireworks, and light it up, so that I can light up your world for one last time. Just do your best to forget my difficult days. Give me to the wind to take away. Never fail to see me through and inspire me so much that I don’t lose sight of this vision.

I may seem like a whole paragraph as I write this but I don’t want myself to love you on the basis of checklists the world teaches young girls to make in their head, for an ideal boyfriend or husband. Accept me when I don’t quite fulfill the criteria either. Love isn’t who we expect or think it should be.

This is to the man of my life… whoever you are, wherever you are, I wouldn’t propose plans. I would propose to give the thing it’s chance and let it solve as is to be resolved. I want our love to mold me for the better.

But one thing is true, all of me will love all of you.  I will luuurve you, I will loave you, I will luff you.