One of the biggest wounds in my life and even this little world that we share, is fatherlessness. It’s a deep wound and its ramifications reveal itself in various ways. We grow up believing that God, in his image, creates an Earth Father for us, who will mirror His love and gentleness to his children and family. When this doesn’t happen a child grow up with a question mark over their head about who God is and many grow angry towards God.
As a kid, I’ve done that. But I don’t need a reason to be angry with God.
Back then, there was deep sadness, anger, resent and hurt.
Also, one can only hold the pain for so long, after that it’s just words.
Time and again, I would realize my habits of avoiding intimacy and being truly vulnerable with males, stemmed from the most important four letters, their presence and my fathers absence in my life.
I am not a victim–I have the awareness and I have used that moment and his words to unroot my fears of being abandoned of a father’s love.
But there’s a story… some unspoken sadness that makes me fragile yet acts as my only fuel, motivating me to become self propelled in life. Knowing her journey, I couldn’t bring myself to believe in “love.” Because it was the sound that I didn’t hear too often when I was just a child. Not being with someone who can appreciate a woman for the honor and love she brings to ‘his’ house.
It was the sound when I was just a kid and felt that you had stopped breathing, and little by little, over the years, pieces of your soul became fuzzy. I watched your happiness wilting away. When during all the grey blurs of hours, walls closed in on you, collapsed onto you and all the sobs reverberated through the walls, stealing all the air from your lungs. You had to face the music on your own and learn it the hard way with all your anxieties, sometimes kicking in at 5 in the morning or 9 in the night.
When your shaking breast woke you up with waves of pain that felt like earthquakes on your limbs.
When you had constellations of bruises on your body yet the signs of it on your body would go unnoticed.
When the dark circles weighed your eyes down and there were scratches on your notches.
When pounds started to come off your body and your cheeks began to look hollow.
So much of your beauty just wrinkled away.
It was the emptiness of your heart that I heard, the blankness of your face that I saw… In the blurry shades of life, you would question how do we let bad things happen to us, but most importantly why do pain happen to mostly the gentlest people, with nothing on them that taints their soul?
But whatever pain your path brought, it brought you to us and us to you.
You chose to walk a daily nightmare so that your children could live their dreams. You made sure that they don’t head for the same life as “YOU” did… Lady, it takes orb of courage. As a kid, I questioned your life’s choices. As a grown up lady, I respect them, because life wasn’t served to you on a silver platter.
A woman’s heart is a deep abyss of feelings unseen and unheard. Now that I’ve grown and became wise, I’ve began to understand even the unspoken and infinite despairs, darkening the walls of your heart.
Even when you were breaking on the inside, your tenderness guarded you…it kept her sane…it was your bravery that despite the million things that tore you apart with each passing day, you chose to speak of nothing but happiness for your children, which was a vessel for your own happiness.
Even when the absence of a father’s love made us resentful, God was watching us and in YOU, he embodied the love of a mother and a father.
Fathers are master gardeners…they tend to every leaf, removing the weeds placing us in the windows of opportunity so that we can lean towards the sun..So that we may never forget that the sky is the limit…they plant kisses on our cheeks; hugs on our backs, growing their love on us the best way they know how…Like MY FATHER! My father sacrificed having nothing, so that I and my siblings can have everything. My father walked a daily nightmare so that we could live our dreams; accursed to suffer for those who my father loved the most. My father watered us with blood, sweat, and tears so that we could be ripe for the harvest and I hope that one day, I can be as great as a father as SHE IS FOR ME.
YES! On Mother’s Day, I’m speaking of my FATHER. Because from where I come, FATHER is, always has been, and always will be spelled M-O-T-H-E-R. My father is my mother and I have always and will always love her, even though I may not say it to her often.
You were the person who would stand in bitter cold when your own legs were pained… you would wash, clean, dry, make sure everyone is warm and in comforts, even if you yourself unable to even step down from bed or herself is shivering in cold.
For long years, you did not know the comfort of AC and would dampen the cloth in icy water and place it on you to feel cool in the gnawing summers.
Even when you got the comfort of AC, you would rather stand by the gas stove, preparing dishes that everyone will savor, even when the beads of sweat grew until perspiration ran down your face.
With her swollen feet, pained knees and feelings of nausea, you went on doing everything to comfort everyone in the family, without a single complaint or anything in return and yet, in the eyes of one man, you remained the most unproductive and under appreciated person.
Only one person!
No vacations, no weekends retreat.
No breaks, no recaps, no perks.
and a schedule that’s hard to comprehend.
Mothers in every single household are the best economists and the best givers.
While I was a school goer, my mornings would began by bickering, for you didn’t tie my hair into a ponytail correctly and while I was getting late for school, you would keep running after me, holding a glass of milk and a plate with toasts. While I acted stubborn, you would be persistent in your efforts, ensuring that I never left for school, with my stomach empty.
Thanks for being my mother, my father, my best friend, my everything.
Happy Mother’s Day, Maa!
Happy YOU day!
If you could just see yourself from my eyes, you will know that you are not your failures… you are not the pain you went through… You are the struggles you made and what they made you : “a woman with an indomitable spirit, with tremendous orb of courage.”
You had taught me that if God has given you a dream or a purpose to work towards, don’t get discouraged by those who don’t see the vision, for it wasn’t given to them. Believe the dream and go achieve. Don’t be jaded by the success, the riches others are already blessed with. Go on, create your own life!
Thus, from your spirit, I’ve learnt to draw my strengths.
I could have died during the delivery, when my oxygen had stopped but I got a chance to live. And you wrapped me in the gift of love when I was born… You showered me with love every day of my life… And that very love will remain our gift to this world! We will remain indebted for all the care we received from you, but I want to make peace with the fact that somehow, in all your sicknesses, I had the opportunity to ‘mother’ my MOTHER.
Let us keep all the mothers in our prayers today because there are all kinds of mothers out there… Married; Single; Married but doing most of the parenting; the Fathers who lose their wives and never remarry and become mother of their kids; a young and early parent who gives in her child for adoption so that someone with no kids have their house brim with joy of a child’s playfulness. And then the animal mother’s who face the most difficulty in giving births yet the motherly affection is the same in their souls as in case of humans.
There’s nothing that will ever more be sanguine and sacred than motherhood.
Let us observe ‘Mother-Angelversary’ to honor the mothers who once walked this Earth and left for their heavenly abode.
Let us feel the heartaches that comes with the realization that someone, somewhere out there is living without knowing the love of a mother and hope that someone else will nurture them with a love closer to that of a mother’s… Because life is so much unfair.
You don’t always have to tell your mother that you love her, but when you do, make sure she feels it.