To the brokenly beautiful souls…
There are certain battles that are being fought on a daily basis by countless, unknown warriors, scattered across the Earth. Some of their battles are intensely grave. Others are not so intense. Whatever it is, life for these warriors is a battleship of fighting away the feelings of deep, perpetual sadness comparable to the gnawing cold of the winter.
There is only ever one thing, one inconsolable feeling I’ve battled for far too long, that I’ve even lost track of the time. Even the famous Oxford defines it very simply : ‘Sadness because one has no friends or company.’ How convenient it is to define things. Well, that’s the problem with words. They are inert. Some one has to give them a meaning. I’ll try to attempt that now and give flesh and blood to the skeleton of the word ‘loneliness.’
There is but one oddest predicament and quandary inflicted on human heart’s mostly these days and it is the brunt of loneliness, accompanied by the viciousness of depression. Throughout my journey, I’ve faltered a hundred times, stopped a thousand times, and started up again a million times.
Our bones ache with a high degree of intense, recurring and often painful desire for something, particularly when there’s no hope to attain the desired or even when it’s attainment is uncertain or far away. We like to sit alone to eat our food, and not having the energy to gulp another bite because our throat feels thickened. We don’t want to move out of the bed, do laundry and go through daily motions of life. We want to lie cold in our bed watching the ceiling all day long. We lie in the stillness of the night, because that is when we feel at peace. We sit with our cold bodies on the shower floor and then, gather the strength to pick it up. We don’t want to be available on the same number for anyone, anymore. We don’t want to respond to the words : ‘How are you?,’ because the only words we have to offer are : ‘I’m sad, lost, lonely and cold.’ We don’t want to be a part of pictures because we haven’t really tried putting on a smile for long. We avoid groups because we don’t feel right existing in it anymore.
We often wonder, what have we done to deserve all this? To the world, we are the “Unhappy Ones,” “Cursed of the Loved Ones,” “Unloved Ones,” “Walking Wounded,” “Bleeding Bodies,” “Self Harming Souls,” “Damaged Goods,” “Handicaps without the advantage of the great parking space,” “Ailing Ones without any life support systems.”
Over the course of years, grief has engulfed our soul, eclipsed and bled it dry. Our happiness robbed. Our flesh rotten. All these prolonged feelings of sorrow, sadness and grief has eaten away the very foundation of our souls. Loneliness has made us lonelier, depressed. We’ve nothing. We are empty!
Some of us are lonely, miserably lonely. Others just like to think they are. Whatever it is, everyone is seeking love, care and attention. Even if it’s just a wee bit! Some vocally ask for it, while others, well, they just secretly keep on hoping that someone will come along, finally notice them and touch that void that.
However, for some, the wait is longer than what the human soul should supposedly endure. Day by day, they stumble, trudge, falter, fall inside a long tunnel, in the confines of which the stark darkness consumes them. They become blind and oblivious to their pain, believing there’s nothing wrong with them. They even convince themselves : ‘It’s good to be alone.’ What they fail to understand initially is the fact that being alone and being lonely are two different things. This misunderstanding plays a havoc on them. Their attempts of being alone pushes them furthermore, in the clutches of loneliness. That is when things go ugly. Horribly ugly!
But they summon a lot of willpower and walk through this tunnel they are in, struggling to search for a light. But the tunnel is long and the walk they’re walking has to be slow and steady.
The world dictates their opinion on the lonely ones, the doctors stack their bedside lamp table with medications, the families see it as our illness. Teachers see it as our lack of interest. But what does the world know of loneliness?
What do they know about if we’ve no friends?
What do they know about our parents who don’t even consider some of us, worthy of their love, care and attention?
What do they know about the love that abandoned some of us, without a choice?
What do they know about some of the endings and the loss of lives that remained unfinished?
What do they know about our unexplained goodbyes?
Just so much to deal with, and we keep wondering why?
For once, lend me your ears. You have no idea what loneliness is remotely like. You have no idea how jaded some of us are. But you know what? We don’t want you to have an idea. We just want you to try and understand it and love us, anyway. Because when you think we should be deprived of it, is the moment when we need it the most.
All the prescriptions, the suggestions can work, but only if you add a dose of ‘love and care’ to it.
And ask yourself : “Is it the people who are broken, or you (as a society) have become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled?” You bruise them with your words, inflict constant pain on their already tortured souls, and then care to become advocates for their healing?
Loneliness works in mysterious ways. The feelings of emptiness come surfacing, sometimes,
when we’re highly engrossed in the middle of work and it leaves us blindside.,.
or, when we’re hanging out with friends and having an occasionally good time…
or, when we’re watching the movie of our choice and trying to relax for a short while…
or, when we’re listening to songs we once liked yet their lyrics unnerve you for sometime…
or, when we’re seeing a bunch of people making merry and cheer.
All of this can happen minutes after we’ve had moments of laughter and cheer.
But these feelings, remain unresolved. And then, it hits hard and harder, with every passing time. Uninvited, they stealthy break into your house through the crevices of your soul and there we are, finding ourselves with someone in our house… someone we thought had left.
Don’t try to know who we are because we are still figuring it out ourselves.
Maybe we are the unlucky souls with cold bones, hearts broken in two, our bodies fatigued, our mind fragile.
Some days, we feel the world is too loud for us, banging all it’s pots and pans. The words that meet my ears feel too strong. The sun beats down relentlessly. So, we want to retreat, alone and be in the silence of our own hearts. When the storms seem to settle do we again realize the vulnerability of our squishy hearts.
Our unjustified, unexplained battle with loneliness makes us long for someone to come by, to pull us out of the depths of despair and to heal our hearts, by gently bandaging the cuts, and trying to balm the wounds and sees through the cobwebs of our souls, cleans it gently and closes the crevices of our cracked soul.
After all this time, however long all this might be, we hold on to hope, however bereft hope made us feel of it… We choose not to abandon life, however astray it led us and knocked us off into non-returnable paths.
We are sensitive and damaged.
Our sensitivity makes us strong. It gives authentication to our feelings.
Damaged people know they can survive. They latch onto hope, continually look for signs and however, weary the journey seems, they keep walking to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. All this while, we think to ourselves that the light at the end of the tunnel is someone else. While the truth is, we were that light all along.
YES! The light at the end of the tunnel is YOU! You just had to burn and burn yourself, till there was nothing left, to reach the end. You burnt into flames, turned into ashes but you were like the phoenix, and from the ashes, you rose.
Now that you are at the end of the tunnel, you stand brighter to give a light of your own being to the ones still inside that tunnel.
YOU ARE THE LIGHT! You carry within you the immeasurable strength to take care of yourself when everyone around you tries to bleed you dry and it makes you the strongest thing in the universe.
Once I got a message from God through a Facebook App, and I now pass it on to you –
“When you are going through something, it is not always about you. Sometimes God takes us through things so that those around us can see our faith in action and be strengthened by it.
There are people watching you that you are not aware of — and they are taking notes on how you move through your troubles, how you stay prayerful in them, how you throw your shoulders back and hold your head high.
Even in your troubles, God is using you to bless others.”
And that is a blessing indeed!
I’ve been and I am, I’m a living testimony to the words written above. I see the proof of it, in my everyday life, when someone tells me : ‘You hold much joy but so much pain.” I know they watch my move and look up to me. This is for them.
I could’ve been dead and gone or lost and gloomy but I’m not. I fought. I had a purpose. I had to shine on.
Whoever God is, HE let me live on, I am a living testimony and I thank thee.
A past I had, which was jarringly destructive,
But whatever happened then isn’t conclusive.
A present I have, fragile and muddle,
I’m walking on it and I don’t tremble.
A future lies ahead, there’s so much to do and to be,
It’s uncertain but it’ll see the best of me.
We might be broken, bruised, battered or depressed, but we are not weaklings, because it takes a strong soul to endure much in life and to come out alive and soft.
With this, I remember the words of a very wise lady who told me, ”You are the vessel God will use to bring joy to others. Never conform.”
Despite whatever tragedies of life we had to go through, let us be the fabric of the dream that keeps alive the dream for a more caring and humane world.
We are brokenly beautiful. You are! I am! We all are!